Tuesday, October 31, 2006

L’Autrichienne


Trusty Editor Oline,
A Reader of Entirely Too Many Biographies,
On Coppola’s Marie


Literally a year after the first teaser and no less than thirteen lifetimes of waiting, Marie Antoinette finally arrived. So Jack Black’s Bombshell and I tarted ourselves up and trotted downtown to greet la Reine. We were not disappointed.

But our adoration for and enjoyment of this film won't prevent my exploiting it's few discrepencies and omissions to make my The Whole Truth Is So Much More Interesting point.

As people who have people, the Bombshell and I are unspeakably thrilled whenever any person opts to cinematically/theatrically/televisionally/biographically depict any of our people. But the thing about having people is that your people are invariably different from the people of others- even when they're the same people.

We all latch on to different details, different characteristics, different witty one-liners. The Bombshell and I are writing a play about Marilyn and Jackie. The Bombshell's Jackie is alone on a boat, wearing pink, and pregnant. My Jackie is a bohemian artist walking barefoot in Greece with paint flakes on her jeans. The same Jackie, but totally different. This is to be expected.

A surprising lot of how you view your people has to with your introduction to them. I met my Marie in Stephen Zewig's An Average Woman, a 1932 biography that tenderly danced around the royal sex life and abounded with rogue exclamations ("Louis gestured for d'Artois to bring the dinner rolls!"). Zewig cast Marie as an ordinary person of limited education whose sense of duty enabled her to handle the shit in her life with extraordinary courage. In essence, the woman was a master of the emotional kaboom.

Sophia Coppola's Marie Antoinette is Coppola's Marie (which we know is, in part, based heavily on biographer Antonia Fraser's Marie)- a charming, flirty, dutiful vixen who held her head high in a palace echoing with cruel whispers. Coppola's Louis, played by the brilliant Jason Schwartzman, was awesome. Her Marie, very well played by Kirsten Dunst, was lovely and was far better than no Marie at all, but she was not my Marie.

Coppola's Marie was not my Marie largely because she was uncomfortably confined within one hour and fifty-eight minutes. And while she very adeptly captured the marriage's sexual dysfunctions and the stifling pressures to produce an heir, in such confines, Coppola cut from her Marie's story the details that most matter to mine.

Count Fersen (Jamie Dornan) appears in three scenes. He would seem little more than a hot one-night stand, which quite possibly resulted in the birth of the Dauphin, and whose departure sent Marie spinning into a depression manifested by long baths, tamer hairstyles and undereye circles. In reality, he was the Queen's lover and friend for over a decade. He masterminded the royal family's unsuccessful escape from imprisonment and risked his life repeatedly venturing into revolutionary Paris to see her. He was entirely discrete. He never spoke of Her.

There's also a reduction of the royal brood- three children appear rather than four. The death of Princess Sophie is depicted while the birth of the duc de Normandie is not. The birth of the highly anticipated Dauphin is portrayed while his death shortly before the revolution is entirely ignored. It was, in fact, the petulant duc de Normandie- who does not appear in Coppola's film- who would become the Dauphin, who would be caught masturbating by his guards, and who would make the molestation charges that sent his mother to the guillotine.

Film is a convenient medium in that it allows for easily accessible expression. You don't have to write twenty sentences to adequately convey the wryly disapproving arch of a royal brow. And I know things must be condensed. Stories must fit into boxes. Plots must flow quickly. We must not make people in theaters yawn over small details. This would probably be why I stick to writing. The movie of my Marie would last at least four hours. The movie of my Jackie would be ten days long.

Because i think you can't know Jackie if you don't know that she was keenly aware of her husband's pathological philandering. That her premature daughter died while her husband was sailing in France and that he continued sailing in France for a week before he returned home. That she lost a three-day-old son, a son she never saw, three months before her husband was murdered. That she was leaning in six inches from her husband's face when the final shot hit. That, at Parkland Hospital, she nudged a doctor and handed him a sizeable chunk of her husband's brain. And that four days later, the day she buried her husband, she threw a birthday party for her three-year-old son.

You have to know that because, to an extent, it is the shit in our lives and how we cope that makes us who we are. Admitedly, Marie Antoinette is a hip film attempting to resuscitate a distorted icon and make her applicable to a new generation. I am wanting it to mean entirely more than it was meant to. But too much is assumed when we deal with icons. Most people know nothing about Marie beyond the fact that she was decadent and lost her head. If this is the one chance we have to introduce a new generation to her, this is not enough for my Marie. Coppola verifies the decadence while only skimming the steeliness beneath the surface.

Jack’s Bombshell and I sat through the entire movie watching the Princess de Lamballe, knowing that we would later be seeing her head on a pike. We didn't. Coppola spared us that. But I doubt many people in the crowd knew the Lamballe was butchered, her heart ripped from her body, her head put on a stake and raised before the prison windows of Marie, whom the crowd asked to kiss the lips of her beheaded, beloved best friend. And that's a pretty important smallish detail. You know Marie more by knowing that.

Coppola left her Marie in a carriage with our Louis, bidding farewell to their Versailles. This was half-assed. I wanted her to either leave them on the eve of revolution or see them through the end. To show the King bidding his family farewell the night before what he knows will be the day of his death. To show Marie hearing the accusations her own son made against her, accusations so trumped up that even the revolutionaries were ashamed.

Maybe I just want everything to be Schindler's List- to be visceral and epic. Because these are my people and they deserve to be shown in their full glory. Ribbons, feathers, sweets, champagne, and flirtations make for a pretty movie. But they are not a life. These people, my people, have lives of incredible complexity, unbelieveable glamor and harrowing tragedy. It's so much more than a matter of clothes and manners. It's grace under pressure. And we could use more of that these days.

NOTE: The article above was published previously in a slightly different, uncapitalized form on Oline In The City.

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Monday, October 30, 2006

And Now... A Word From Our Sponsors

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Friday... Rod?

Dear Rod,
I do want your body.
I do think you're sexy.
But I just can't say that out loud.
XOoxoxXOxOXOx,
Jables



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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A JBB To Do

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Jack's Jock's Jot


Jack’s Jock On Why The Manning Brothers Rock

So a full wrap of the World Series next week when it’s over. The Jock promises his loyal reader(s). But for this week’s Jot, I have to profess my Manning love. And yes – I’m fully prepared for all the naysayers. Bring it. And what’s more, with this hectic week I’m going to write this thing without the use of stats. It’s all pure guts.

There’s a lot of hate out there for the Manning brothers. And honestly – that’s just really freakin’ weird. I mean, they’re incredibly nice, talented, humble football players. And while I do like Eli, it’s Peyton who’s this Jock’s jock of choice. This is partly because I’m from Tennessee and I remember Peyton from his Univ. of Tenn. glory days. But the fact of the matter is: Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the National Football League… period.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear ya Tom Brady lovers. And yes – Brady’s good. Brady’s actually amazing. But watch Peyton command the field and his team. If football is nothing more than war as a game, then the quarterback must be the general. The leader. And that’s Peyton. The guy is already on the top ten list of all-time passes for touchdowns (OK – so the Jock threw one stat at you… they’re like my currency). He and the Colts of Indianapolis have flown threw their regular season foes thus far, and laid waste to them all (including his brother Eli and his Giants). And I have no problem telling you, my Jablets, that the back-to-back weekends which see the Colts play the Cowboys and the Eagles next month already have me planning what pizza to order. This is what football season is all about.

But let’s not forget Eli, a great quarterback in his own right. He’s a few years behind Peyton, but he’s already showing up some of the real veterans of the game. In particular, what comes to mind is Bill Parcell. The former Giants coach actually apologized for the embarrassing performance his Cowboys gave against Eli and the Giants this Monday. And what about T.O.? Terrell Owens (for once) had to give himself some of the blame. He actually said “We really stunk it up out there.” WE!!!! What more can you say when you make yourself out to be a team’s salvation, you’re left wide open at a critical point of a game your team is losing, and the ball bounces right out of your hands. Game over, Terrell Owens. Game over. As for Eli & Peyton… there may be plenty out there who make fun of your Southern roots, the twang in your voice, and the shuffle in your step off the field – but damn sons! Have you seen yourselves play? What the hell do you care what they think?

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Monday, October 23, 2006

And Now... A Word From Our Sponsors

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Friday... Billy Ray?

Dear Billy Ray,
You've got the mullet. You've got the Rock. You've got the chest hair. And you've got the white trash women.

But your music is best in smokey bars and truck stops. You would not write ballads for me- ballads that I could sing to my hot wife as she's drifting off to sleep. You would only break our achey hearts.
Jables



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Thursday, October 19, 2006

How Can I Tell if I'm Really in Love?

Ordinarily, my trusty editors try to avoid such blatant cop-outery, but they are in love with both this video and Fast Hugs' analysis of it, so they couldn't resist sharing. Just in case anyone else out there is asking the question: "How can I tell if I'm really in love?"



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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Fashion Forward


Tips From The Fashionista
Commandment #1: Cut Your Hair


Hair changes, people. None of us wants to be that lady buying flaxseed at the supermarket with a long scraggly mane of gray hair. When it comes to hair, don't fear the reaper.

That being said, hairstyles are even more difficult to buy off the rack than jeans. Undoubtedly, magazines pronounce that short is the new long, or black is the new blonde, but it doesn't always translate. Don't take a photo of Natalie Portman into SuperCuts and expect to emerge looking like her- you may end up resembling Lamb Chop (the puppet) and still be out $15.95. Some tips:
*If you know someone who always has great hair, ask her where she gets it done. Go there. Be sure to mention the recommendation to the stylist.

*Always always always consult the stylist. He knows more than you do.

*Just once, go in with a completely open mind and tell the stylist to surprise you and do whatever he wants. It's fun and you will probably look much better.

*If you do have an idea of what you want, bring a picture. Your concept of Ashley Judd may be current; his may be circa-A Time To Kill.

*Know your limitations. Be honest about how much time you can devote every morning to styling your new 'do. Make it clear at the beginning if you can't spend 15 minutes flat-ironing every day.

*Be prepared to pay. If a quality haircut is a financial hardship, ask for a style that will grow out gracefully, and will allow you to get your hair cut less frequently.

*Tip generously. I believe in hair karma. If you can't tip as generously as you'd like, be uber-grateful and bring baked goods for the salon.

*If you're anxious, sometimes it helps to bring a friend. She can provide comic relief, make small-talk while you're trying to keep still, and remind you how you resolved to go for more than just a trim.

*Have a man cut your hair. Call me crazy, but they know what makes a woman look good. Likewise, guys, try a female stylist.

*Remember, hair cutting requires specialized education and licensing. Hair stylists are professionals- trust them.

But what if you follow all the rules and your hair looks awful at the end? Say something. You've paid good money for this haircut, and the stylist wants you to be happy. Did you get the haircut you asked for but it just looks appalling on you? Probably your fault, but the stylist should have advised against it (consultation, people. Before the scissors come out, discuss). Or is it not what you wanted at all? Ask (politely) for your money back, and start looking for someone new.

Finally, if it's been a while and you're looking to leave your current stylist, be honest. Say you're looking for a change. "Everybody needs a little time away" is always a good line. If you can't be honest, lie. Maybe you're moving to Anchorage, or your new job as a dog walker came with a huge pay cut. The entirely spineless but still acceptable alternative is just to stop going and pray you don't run into Mr. Scissors at the Super Stop 'N Shop.

Hair is perhaps the most personal element of style-more than just an extension of the self, it's part of the self. So take control Cut your hair!

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Jack's Jock's Jot


Jack’s Jock On How Arizona Snatched Defeat
from the Jaws of Victory


The Chicago Bears swaggered out of Arizona last night with the absolute most improbable win in the history of ever. The Cardinals performance in the last half of this game is arguably one of the biggest chokes in sports history.

But what ended in a shock also began with a shock. The Jock watched with his mouth agape as the Arizona Cardinals dominated the Bears in the first half. The Cardinals defense looked more like the Bears’ defense.

Rex Grossman, who had been playing at the absolute peak of his young QB career, hit the valley hard last night playing the worst game of his life. Six turnovers in the form of four interceptions and two fumbles gave the Cardinals a solid twenty point lead going into the half.

Nothing happened during most of the third quarter, either. I know a lot of you likely went to bed, but the Jock was there to catch all the action so that you could read it here. The Bears would get two touchdowns off of two Cardinal fumbles. And then there’s Devin Hester. Catching a Cardinal punt, the sea parted. Hester ran for 83 yards to give the Bears yet another touchdown to put the them on top 24-23, with the extra point.

But… were the Cardinals done yet? Matt Leinart, starting his second NFL game, pushed Arizona down field 38 yards against a blitzing Bears defense, but stalled at the Chicago 23. Enter Neil Rackers. Now Rackers hit 40-of-42 field goals last year–that’s the best season an NFL kicker has ever had… ever… in the history of ever! So before him now, a game winning 41-yard field goal attempt on a windless Arizona home field. No problem, right? Ummmmmmm… no. The kick goes wide. The clock runs out. After the game all Rackers could say was, “I want to throw up.” The Cardinals lose a game where the opposing team’s offense scored only 3 points after having turned the ball over six times and trailing by 20 points up until late in the third quarter.

Cardinals coach Dennis Green then provided a sound bite that will go down in history after the game. “We played (the Bears)in pre-season. Who the hell takes a third game in pre-season like it’s bullshit? Like it’s bullshit! …The Bears are who we thought they were. And that’s why we took the damn field. (smacking the podium) Now if you want to crown ‘em, then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were, and we let ‘em off the hook!!!”

The point – the Cardinals are down for the year. Out. Over. The Bears have next week off. They will regroup, and go on to make a serious run for the post-season. They will learn from this. Because once the season reaches the half-way point… you don’t get let off the hook again.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

And Now... A Word From Our Sponsors

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Friday...Marx?

Richard, Richard, Richard. Ummmm... no.



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Thursday, October 12, 2006

A JBB To Do

Joosy! and the Josh Hailey Studio, who brought us a set of stunning photos that sparked a stirring editorial debate back in the summer, take their show on the road.



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A Good Interview Is Hard To Find


Bernanation's Steps To Journalistic Bliss

So you think you want to be a journalist. You can just see yourself mingling with celebs and writing for money. Sipping champagne backstage with Tenacious D, sharing croissants with Julia Roberts, sitting in on JTim’s GQ photo shoot… Well, it turns out that journalistic bliss isn’t all fun and frippery. It’s actually a hell of a lot of hard work. It takes guts and tenacity and a good interview. Flannery O’Conner said a good man is hard to find. I contend that a good interview is even harder.

We’ve all read those magazine articles that make you wonder if the interviewer has ever heard of his subject, much less researched him. Some journalists ask inane questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” and the person being questioned responds with “Black,” and you wind up with a dull and drool-inducing piece of dribble. Wondering how to avoid stimulating the overactive salivary glands of the literate population? I can offer a bit of insight to the process via my own first experience in the realm of the tête à tête.

I recently had the platinum opportunity to interview Honus Honus (AKA Ryan Kattner, the frontman of Man Man. How did I, a lowly JBB intern, get such a wonderful, stellar, top-shelf chance, you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you, and string you a few pearls of journalistic wisdom in the process. Behold, the Steps to Journalistic Bliss:

Step Number One To Journalistic Bliss: Never assume that someone is “too important” to talk to you. Believe me, I’ve contacted my share of duds—ie people who didn’t respond to my pleas—but not everyone will shoot you down. After seeing Man Man rock out in concert at Pitchfork, I had an idea. Expecting nothing, I threw the band an e–mail asking for a sit-down. That same day, Kattner emailed me back, “Why the hell not?” Lesson learned: It never hurts to try (unless you’re trying base jumping, which could potentially lead to a neck brace).

Step Number Two To Journalistic Bliss: Research the hell out of your subject. Yes, this step requires work. If you shy away from said work, perhaps this profession, or at the very least this particular subject, is not for you. Read other interviews, find out what questions have been asked ad nausem. For example, I steered clear of asking Kattner anything about his moustache—it had been done and done and done to death. If you are interviewing musicians, LEARN THE WORDS TO THEIR SONGS. They’ll be surprised, amused, and they will appreciate it. And it will be easier to reference their music if you know what it’s all about.

In addition, research pictures of the artists. Know what they look like. Kattner told me that he’d be the one at the concert with a moustache. If I hadn’t scoured pictures of the Man Man tribe I would have been lost in a sea of furry men; like true hipster lemmings everyone there had a moustache. Know your subject like you’d know a hypothetical enemy so as to stalk and capture their story.

Step Number Three To Journalistic Bliss: Be brave; be very, very brave. This is difficult for everyone. I was positively quaking in my Frye boots as I followed Honus Honus up to the green room, a shady attic filled with hairy musicians and hard alcohol. When I first stepped backstage, I stood rather awkwardly, awkwardly declined a beer, and awkwardly introduced myself (for no particular reason) to members of the opening bands. Still, when we sat down to the interview I bolstered my courage and asked the questions I came to ask. Honus2 turned out to be a nice guy—very willing to talk about everything from girls to rabid mothers at Christmastime. No great interview was ever gained by the meek.

So get out your tape recorders and sharpen your pencils. Grit your teeth and screw your courage to the sticking place. Do your research, send out your emails and faxes and phone calls, and get ready to join me in the glow of journalistic bliss.

You can read Brenna Ehrlich’s interview with Ryan Kattner in October’s issue of The Real Chicago, available in various locations around the city, and online at: The Real Chicago.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Comic-Con


Kristahl Takes The Tour

Illustration by Master Matt

I was standing next to the most overweight Spiderman I had ever seen. The superhero’s paunchy belly hung over his stretchy pants as he washed down a hot dog with Diet Coke. Confident in his spandex costume as most people could never aspire to be, he leaned against the wall and winked at She-Ra, Princess of Power, who blushed and turned away coyly. The Flash, aka a seven year-old boy, came zipping through the room of costumed people, as he made a beeline for the restroom, his lightning bolts a blur of urgency.

This was the scene of the Wizard World comic book convention, known by most simply as “Comic-Con,” at the Rosemont Convention Center just outside of Chicago. The floors were lined with Superman-blue and red velvet carpeting, the booths filled with action figures still securely nestled in their packaging, old comics wrapped in plastic sleeves, “vintage” icon t-shirts, and Pokémon collectibles galore. There were D-list celebrities charging $20 for autographs, and grown men walking around proudly in their superhero costumes, often flanked by women wearing little more than corsets and fishnets. There were plenty of light-sabers and other types of dork gear flaunted by the patrons. And if I had a dime for every time I saw a mullet…

Before this event, I knew very little about comics and animé; I had thought Comic-Con would be little more than a gathering of pallid, pubescent teens who had emerged from their parents’ basements into the daylight to trade Magic cards and spend a year’s allowance on Aquaman action figures and 1st issues of Bronze Age DC comics.

Turns out that Comic-Con is a gathering for dorky adolescents—but as the second largest comic convention in the U.S., it has also become an occasion for some of the most talented independent artists to showcase their work and market their books. Earnest and passionate, the artists are all eager to talk about their work and the concepts of their books, and they’re always more than happy to sign your purchases. Prints are usually no more than $5 and comics run around $2. And these artists and their books are definitely worth checking out. So if you want to see for yourself what makes these books so remarkable, here is my comic artist short-list.

David Peterson
David Petersen, author and illustrator of the Mouse Guard comics. The Mouse Guard comics are about a clan of mice dressed up Lord of the Rings-style, complete with capes and swords and intense concentration. They battle snakes, crustaceans, and one another, and despite looking like a group of darling mice in costume, they’re quite a ferocious group of rodents. Intended for ages 10 and older, the stories are illustrated more like children’s books than comics. If the illustrations weren’t set up in panels, one probably wouldn’t even consider them to be comics. The books are 8x8 squares, as opposed to your standard comic book size of 6-1/2x10.

Gris Grimly
Gris Grimly is the illustrator of several books including Boris and Bella by Carolyn Crimi, Grimericks by Susan Pearson, Edgar Allen Poe’s Tales of Mystery and Madness, and the Wicked Nursery Rhymes series. His most recent book, Santa Claws, written by Laura Leuck, is not yet in stores and is nearly impossible to find, as Gris told me himself later that day when he showed up to autograph his books. His illustrations are delightfully icky in a Tim Burtonesque way, with slovenly creatures, almost endearing in their exaggerated unsightliness, rendered in delicate watercolors and ink. Grimly, himself, is an intriguing character with a black leather vest and white button down shirt. He politely stood before a line of eager fans, autographing each of their books along with a sweet little drawing of a skull smiley face. He’s intense and even a little sexy.

Matt Chicorel
Matt Chicorel of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, runs a one-man comic business, Night Light Comics. He is the author and illustrator of The Non-Adventures of Trenchcoat & Kim. The comic is about a “superhero” named Trenchcoat, who, as his name implies, wears a trench coat to protect him from harm. He’s accompanied by his sidekick/best friend, Kim, who joins him in his “non-adventures” while smoking and looking jaded. The most beautiful volumes are Non-Adventures, issue 1, as well as The Bowhunter, a separate comic Chicorel drew while his hand was in a cast. The illustrations are in crisp black and white, without the gaudy excess of detail so common in traditional comic books. In these books Chicorel explores the concept of the 24-hour comic—a 24-page comic drawn in 24 consecutive hours. The artist is not allowed to plan out the comic beforehand, and eating, sleeping, and all other necessary activities are included in the 24 hours.

Josh Johnson
Josh Johnson, who hails from Indiana, is the creator of the Spindletons, a fictional family including a perfect-looking husband with the obligatory tobacco pipe, his wife, their three melancholy children, and their darling cat, Olivia. His work is primarily eerie paintings of people with blank expressions and a sort of Stepford-wife air. The colors are rich and earthy, mixed with indulgently bright blues, purples, and pinks. In addition to his oil paintings, Johnson also creates art with a letterpress, one of the oldest printing techniques. He covers a raised surface in ink and presses it firmly against paper, leaving behind a reverse image. Johnson himself is a pleasant and talkative man who, while explaining his art technique, wound up digressing into a story about his buddy who had an affair with his best friend’s wife. Regardless, his art style was by far the most fascinating at the convention.

Stuart Sayger
Stuart Sayger’s watercolor-illustrated comics, Shiver in the Dark, consist mostly of ethereal women with flawless faces, cascading waves of hair, and ample bosoms, all in soft smoky blues, hazy pinks, and emerald greens. Sayger is a puckish young fellow and probably the most charming of the bunch. With a playful grin he told us the more cleavage his characters have, the better his comics sell.

Which brings me right back to the Comic-Con crowd. There I was, among caped teenagers and corseted temptresses, a comic virgin, totally enthralled with the world of comic books. I had discovered that comics are an art form, with artists and writers who are brilliant in their own right. The convention was a grand time, well worth the $25 entry fee. And it turns out that Comic-Con catered to all sorts of folks, including those like me who respect comics but know very little about them. I’ve vowed to learn more before next year’s convention, which I will most certainly be attending.

And next time, I’ll bring my light-saber.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Jack's Jock's Jot

Jack’s Jock On Why the Yankees Choked


So in last week's Jot, Jack’s Jock revealed why the Chicago Bears won't choke and predicted a win by the Bears over the Bills. Not only did the Bears win, they beat the beejeezus out of the Bills, 40-7 keeping their record perfect at 5-0. And while the Bears were beating the hapless Bills all over the field, the New York Yankees returned home to The Big Apple to nurse their wounds. So if you were wondering about that collective "Hot Damn!" that echoed across the country this past weekend, now you know. The Yankees choked in the post-season... again.

Don't get me wrong. A bit of swagger in one's step is expected—nay, appreciated—from the Jock. But the Yankees... their swagger is not a good one. It is one of arrogance, not confidence. It's very much a swagger of the new money college fraternity brother who you just wanted to punch in the face. There is no talent cultivated in the Bronx. It is bought. It is nothing more than a commodity. Jeter, Posada, Abreu, Damon, and Matsui. The numbers these five put up are obscene. But there's one more name meant to be the icing on the Yankee cake—Alex Rodriguez. Even more than in years past, this year it seemed that A-Rod was nothing more than K-Rod. And true to his pinstripe form—even after coming out of his mid-season slump—Rodriguez could not deliver in the post-season clutch. As the New York Yankees fell to the Tigers of Detroit, A-Rod did his part (to help his team lose) by delivering more outs through strike-outs, fly-outs, and ground-outs than any other Yankee.

But it seems unfair to point the finger at one guy for failing to deliver. "Could you do any better?" one could ask the Jock. Of course not. But I'm not a two-time AL MVP with 12-years experience making over $25 million this year before endorsements. The man is clearly talented. But something is rotten in the city of New York.

Yankee fans have a near hatred for A-Rod these days. His numbers are down and he cannot hit the ball when his team needs to score. He is committing a shocking number of errors at third base. He's standing in the post-season shadow of a giant named Jeter. He's becoming a small and irrelevant player. A-Rod is losing himself inside the ivy-covered stadium walls.

The absolute best thing he could do for himself would be to waive his no-trade clause and get the hell out of The Bronx.

The real tragedy of this season is the man who seems to be getting more than his fair share of Bronx blame, Joe Torre. A manager can only manage the team he is given. And Torre, a truly gentle and kind man of the game, was given a team without a reliable starting rotation (Chien-Ming Wang proved to be the best Yankee arm of the summer and was the only Yankee pitcher to start a post-season game the Yanks won). Plus, Torre's team had more than its fair share of injuries this year, and a slew of egos that seemed to find their way onto the field. However, it was announced today by Torre himself that Steinbrenner will be keeping the man that has seen the team win 11 straight pennants. But that doesn't mean the boss is happy. Yes... it's true that a World Series hasn't been won by the boys in pinstripes since 2000 (and 1999, 1998, & 1996). But ask the White Sox or the Red Sox how quickly six seasons go by when your team hasn't won for decades.

Perhaps the Yankees' biggest problem is that the man in the biggest office in the Yankee Ivory Tower is wielding the biggest ego of them all.

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Monday, October 09, 2006

And Now... A Word From Our Sponsors

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Friday... Yanni?

'Stache? Check.
Long hair? Check.
Khaki on khaki? Check.
Access to forbidden foreign locations for the purposes of Rock? Check.



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Thursday, October 05, 2006

A JBB To Do

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Review: Half of a Yellow Sun

The Fashionista Takes Us To Biafra

We always seem to forget about Africa. Recent events have made this sin of omission painfully evident, and the unrest in Darfur is only one example of the West’s neglect.

In our lifetime, we can recall the turmoil in Rwanda and Burundi, Somalia, and even the abolition of apartheid in South Africa. And as far as literature is concerned, our experience is even more limited. For most of us, any literary inquiry into Africa has consisted only of the Norton’s brief (yet expanded!) homage to “the rise and fall of empire”: Achebe and Coetzee. So it is at just the right moment that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has written her second novel, Half of a Yellow Sun, recalling an overlooked and brutal period in twentieth-century African history—the brief existence of the Republic of Biafra, an independent state that seceded from Nigeria in the 1960s.

Half of a Yellow Sun is a novel of awareness. Through the rotating perspectives of three main characters—Ugwu, a young villager who becomes a domestic servant for a revolutionary university professor; Olanna, the professor’s beautiful lover; and Richard, Olanna’s sister’s British lover—the reader comes to discover and understand the effects of national upheaval on the individual. Adichie’s sensitivity, cognizance, and understanding for her characters and their interiority are reminiscent of the masterful empathy of Graham Greene.

The characters are self-aware, and Adichie allows us glimpses into their thoughts, however frivolous they may be. One example, from Richard’s musings on Harrison, his servant, who has a penchant for sherry trifle and meringues: “He wondered, as he boarded the train, what it was Harrison did during the weekends. Perhaps he cooked himself tiny exquisite meals.” The characters’ awareness, however, can also be chillingly serious, particularly as Biafra unravels and the characters realize that the world will not come to their aid. Richard, as a white man and an outsider, is especially impacted by the neglect.
It was like somebody sprinkling pepper on his wound: Thousands of Biafrans were dead, and this man wanted to know if there was anything new about one dead white man. Richard would write about this, the rule of Western journalism: One hundred dead black people equal one dead white person. “There is nothing new to tell,” he said.

Because the characters generate the structure of Half of a Yellow Sun, they are necessarily the strongest aspect of the novel. The narrative depends entirely on the reader’s willingness to accept the authenticity of the characters, and Adichie ensures that this acceptance occurs. Her characters are credible, they are endearing, they are flawed.

It is of tantamount importance that Adichie establishes the fact that the characters are just like us. And so her book begins in a university town, in houses with books and brandy and heated discussions of desegregation in the American South. Parties are lavish, hotels have swimming pools, and Olanna drives a Peugeot. The transformation of the characters as the time passes from the early sixties into the late sixties, as Adichie divides her book, is striking. By the final chapters of the novel, the same characters who were eating canapés in manicured gardens are fighting each other for bits of roasted rat or lizard in refugee centers. Because Adichie has so carefully and thoroughly established the us-ness of her characters, she guarantees an appropriate response to their defeat.

The strongest underlying current in Half of a Yellow Sun is the belief each character holds in Biafra. Their faith is unwavering, even at the bleakest moments of the war. Adichie challenges her readers to comprehend such an intense belief in a political concept, in the birth of a nation-state. In the beginning, Biafra is a glorious model, a republic that will be a fair and just paragon of African states. The ideal of Biafra unites its people, as Olanna observes at a rally for the newly-formed state:
Olanna watched them and realized with a sweet surge that they all felt what she felt, what Odenigbo felt, as though it were liquid steel instead of blood that flowed through their veins, as though they could stand barefoot over red-hot embers.

At no point in the novel do the characters lose their conviction, and the steadfastness of their belief in Biafra becomes the tragic flaw for each of them. Only Ugwu, conscripted into the poorly trained army, gives any inkling of doubt about the reality of a triumphant Biafra.

It is dramatic irony, then, that drives home the novel’s pathos, as it becomes abundantly clear to the reader that Biafra cannot triumph, and the revolution is not led by intellectuals and diplomats, but by scrappy underage thugs. For the characters, a continued belief in Biafra is reduced to the hope that victory will at least give them food and shelter. The denouement is brutal; Adichie has prepared her reader to realize that it cannot be any other way.

The prescience of Adichie’s novel is that it provides, for our generation, a lesson in the consequences of ignorance, and a compelling argument against imperialism. While Half of a Yellow Sun imparts an important education about Nigeria in the 1960s, it provides as provocative a message about today’s conflicts in the Middle East.

Adichie’s novel could be a call to action, or perhaps only a warning—either way, it undeniably challenges our country’s and our generation’s disegard for human suffering across the globe.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Jack's Jock's Jot


Jack’s Jock On Why the Bears Won’t Choke

Welcome to the first ever, “weekly” (because sometimes it may not be) edition of Jack’s Jock’s Jot. Why on Tuesday? Because the Jock has to sleep off his weekend sports euphoria first. Plus, Tuesday doesn’t have too much going for it, and the Jock doesn’t think that’s fair.

In this week’s Jot, I hope you’re ready for some football. Because one team that is definitely ready is Da Bears.

Chicago had a rough summer with both of its baseball teams. After winning the World Series just last year, the south side boys let both the Tigers and the Twins take over the AL Central. And the Cubs… well, what can we say about the Cubs? We love the Cubs. We love Wrigley. We love Cubby blue. But it takes the Cubs’ bigger & badder brothers the Bears to give Chicago something to really cheer about.

The Bears are now the only team in the NFC with a perfect (4-0) record, and only the third in the league next to the AFC’s Ravens & Colts. But they have more than a winning record going for them as they exit the first quarter of this year’s NFL season. The Bears have been in control of each game they’ve played. Look at the numbers as they battered the hapless Seahawks. Zero turnovers, a pair of TDs on a solid game from Rex Grossman, more than half the game’s time in possession (35.5 minutes, to be precise), 143 yards on the ground, five sacks and Hasselbeck’s two interceptions.

But it’s Grossman who has really been all that and a bag of chips. He’s accumulated over 1000 yards already, and his completions are over 62%. His mistakes are few, he has the balance between the long and short game, and he knows when to throw the ball away to avoid trouble. It makes the preseason clamoring for Brian Griese look ridiculous and seem thousands of miles away.

The Bears have had the defense for several years. What’s different in particular from 2005 when the team had the number two defense in the league is that this year the defense isn’t being made to win games alone. So I say to the Bears of Chicago, “Make Ditka proud!”

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Monday, October 02, 2006

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