Ask Jack!

Happy Happy Hump Day, dear JBB friends! Here’s this week’s teacherly question. Send your own queries to me at jackblacksbody@gmail.com. Fire away!




Dear Jables,

I am not a teacher. But I love teacher sweaters. It's something about the rulers and pencils and crayons that are always so delicately embroidered on them in that chunky acryllic thread. And they've even got their own department in the stores. There's a very clear delineation between the trendy clothes and the teacher clothes. Somehow I always wander into that department. It feels so safe, so cottony and crocheted and bedazzled. And are teacher sweaters really that bad, Jack? I think they get a really bad rap from all those silly hipsters, and that makes it hard for people like me to feel comfortable in public in our teacher sweaters. Teachers wear them and they seem to be nice people. Why when I wear mine, do the young people—people who are probably my own age but don't realize it because they can't see beyond the vibrancy of my sweater—snicker and jest? There's that song, "Hot for Teacher," and I'm betting that teacher wore teacher sweaters, so why the social stigma, Jack? Why?

Love,
Teacher at Heart

Dear TH,

You know that other song about teachers? That little weird one by Sting that starts off:

Young teacher the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy

Well, there’s a reason teachers are the subjects of school-people fantasies. Just look at my character in School of Rock. I was hot! And it most definitely was not because of my outfit. Teachers are fantastical because they have that forbidden, sexy knowledge thing going on. You know what’s not sexy? Low self-esteem hidden under lumpy pencil sweaters. That’s why the chorus of said song goes like this:

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

No one wants to be seen with a teacher in a lumpy pencil sweater. Even more so, no one should want to be mistaken for a teacher in a lumpy pencil sweater, especially if she’s not even a teacher.

I think your sickness comes from an innate desire to be overlooked. Perhaps you are self-conscious about your love handles or your flabby upper arms. You said it yourself: people can’t see beyond your sweater—and I have a feeling that’s subconsciously what you want. If people don’t look beyond the acrylic crayon imprinted on your bosom, they won’t notice the flatness of the chestal area underneath. You told me yourself: you are drawn to the teacher department because “it feels so safe.”

Let me ask you this: Is fashion safe, my friend? The answer is NO—no it’s not. Fashion is daring and dangerous. It’s chic and mod. It’s everything that a teacher sweater embroidered with rulers and pencils is certainly not. Take a hint from our own Fashionista, and try out some new trends for 2006. Shop beyond your comfort zone; perhaps a legging will suit you. But then again, perhaps you have chunky calves. In that case, I would advise you to try a long coat on for size. A long coat can hide many a chunk—take it from me.

And I must defend hipsters for just a moment, since many of my readers are said young people who might “snicker and jest” at the vibrancy of your decorative apparel. Hipsters aren’t mean. They just want what’s best for you and they have trouble expressing their awkward concern. Said awkward warm-hearted hipsters tend to giggle out of confusion. I suggest making a hipster friend and taking her shopping with you. That would be a great first step out of your comfort zone.

And finally, teachers are nice people. I like sweaters. I even like pencils. But here’s a general plea to the masses: Do away with teacher sweaters and make the world just a little bit sexier.

Good luck and send us some snapshots of the new you!
Big hug, sloppy kiss,
Jables