Ask Jack!

Happy Happy Hump Day, dear JBB friends! Here’s this week’s cuckolding question. Have questions of your own you’re just longing to ask? Send your queries to me at jackblacksbody@gmail.com. Fire away!


Dear Mr. Body Sir,

This morning my dog ran away. The milk in the fridge was spoiled and the hot water wouldn't work. Outside, I found my Dodge Stratus had a flat tire and the bus I took as a last resort was overcrowded with men with strange musks. When I finally got to work I found I'd been demoted, now I'll be filing and alphabetizing each day for 9 hours. And they took away my computer because they suspect me of looking at pornography. In the cafeteria they were serving vegetable lasagna that was three days old and nobody wanted to sit next to me because a pen exploded in my trousers making it look like I wet myself. My back's been killing me ever since my firm's championship softball game. I dove for the ball and missed causing us to lose in extra innings. This afternoon I found my wallet has been purloined, my library card suspended, and my identity stolen, though I'm still required to pay the outstanding credit balance that the thieves have already rung up. I'm pretty sure I'm catching a cold and that nasty rash just won't go away. My brain surgeon former Miss Teen USA girlfriend of 7 years recently met a virile and hirsute young actor with a devilish grin and body that could stop traffic. Nowadays they're together all the time. My question is this. How does one tell when one is being made a cuckold? And what course of action do you advise me to take in this matter?

Yours with infinitely piling regrets,
Phineas Bumbershoot
Shackleton Falls, WI


Dear Mr. Cuckold… er, Bumbershoot,

You’ve unleashed quite the slew of pathetic information. And it all leads right back to your unfortunate girlfriend situation. Ask yourself these questions: Why did your dog run away? Why did your lady run to the shelter of another man’s hirsute arms? I think you’ll find that man’s best friend and your lady friend fled for the very same reasons.

Dogs like happy people. So do ladies. I doubt that your girlfriend enjoys spending time with the young actor for his virility, his talent, his devilish grin, or his body that could stop traffic (although I’ve heard that those are all admirable qualities in a man). It’s not this other guy who’s the problem in your relationship—it’s you. That’s right Bum, you’re pathetic. You’re whiny. You’re self-pitying. You’re irritating. You’re many, many bad things.

But you didn’t ask me if I thought you were a wimp, you asked if you’re a cuckold. Now, I don’t know your girlfriend, but I suspect that such an intelligent, winning creature would prefer to be showered with affection rather than your boring issues.

Now that we’ve established your cuckoldhood, what course of action should you take, you ask? I’ll give you a handy 8-step program to start off the healing process:

• Always check the date on your milk.
• Pay your bills on time.
• Learn to change a tire, man.
• Invest in a scented hanky to hold up to your nose during long commutes.
• Save the porn for home.
• Bring your own lunch to work.
• Don’t carry pens in your trousers.
• Drink lots of orange juice.

But JB can’t fix everything. To address your more profound concerns: I’m sorry about your canine. Demotion sucks. You probably stink at sports—that’s ok. Too bad about your wallet—next time don’t lose it.

And that goes for your girlfriend, too. Ladies are like wallets. If you don’t hold onto them, someone else will. And then you’ll have to pay the price.

Hope this helps, Bumberdude.

Big hug, very little kiss,
Jables