New Orleans vs. Bush, Redux

Jack’s Jock On Why Saint Reggie
Must Deliver for the Big Easy

Greetings, brothers and sisters. Indeed, I am Jack’s Jock… the authorial personification of Jables’s cash and prizes. My role within this rockin’ body is simple. As the testosterone-filled creamy center of the Jables chocolate sandwich cookie, I am here to give you the latest satirical take on the world of sport and the sport of worlding (politics, that would be). Today, on my maiden voyage, JJ has managed to find the ideal topic to incorporate les deux.

Dateline: Monday, August 29, 2005. Hurricane Katrina hits land for the second time, eventually leading to the costliest and deadliest storm aftermath ever endured by one U.S. city. Jables watched in horror as President Bush and those fat cats in Washington dropped the ball, tried to pick it up again, only to kick it, and then fall on it in a drunken stupor. The Beltway Boys then began humping the figurative ball, much like a horny dachshund. The people of the Big Easy were screwed by the Bush. Sadly, they were not the first, and it does not appear that they will be the last.

Nearly one year later, and we’re back to August. Thankfully, this year’s Atlantic hurricane season has been quieter thus far. Unfortunately, if some scary, swirling clouds decide to rumble back over the Land of the Free—the same cronies are in control. The thought leaves me a bit flaccid.

One year after one Bush let the city of New Orleans down in a dramatic and at times fatal fashion, the city is pinning its hopes on another Bush. That would be number two NFL draft pick Reginald Alfred “Reggie” Bush II. Reggie is being called Mardi Gras, The Messiah, and Saint Reggie. This last one doesn’t seem that much of a stretch since his name is Reggie and he’s playing for the New Orleans Saints. But can the Heisman winner live up to all the hubbub? He doesn’t just have any city of any football fans to carry on his shoulders. He has a city that has already been to hell and back. A city that, frankly, deserves to see the playoffs.

True, Reggie’s numbers from college are beyond impressive as a multi-tasking running back/tailback, wide receiver, and punt & kickoff returner for the University of Southern California. JJ also likes the name of his college team… the Trojans. Careful now. For the 2005 season (his junior year, but he opted out of senior year to join the NFL) ESPN has his numbers at these ridiculous levels: 200 carries for 1740 yards (for those who don’t speaky the sportsy, that means he carried the ball more than 17 football fields), and 18 touchdowns. He led his team to a perfect season with the exception of one loss to the Texas Longhorns in the Rose Bowl. Damn, son.

Adding to the hype is a complete slew of endorsement deals. In the hopes of attracting more youthful customers away from other fast food joints, Subway allowed Reggie to ink his first deal. Move over, Jared! Along with that came Pepsi (2-year deal), Adidas ($1million annually), and thanks to a deal with EA sports, his face appears on the cover of NCAA Football ’07. On the cover, you can even see the 619 that Bush would painstakingly put in black paint under his eyes—a shout-out to his peeps back on San Diego’s south side, which features a 619 area code. Suddenly, I have Ludacris in my head. “I got hoes, in different area codes… Is it cuz they like my gangsta ways? (gangsta ways.. ohh)” Ohh, indeed.

But now that we mention that particular 619 area code, it was in this part of SOCAL that Mr. Bush’s family suddenly found themselves in a $757,000 house in San Diego county during the 2005 season. Suspiciously, the home was rented from a man who just happened to have recently started a sports marketing firm. Authorities are still investigating whether Bush payed the market value rent on the home. If it is found that he didn’t pay in full, then the home constitutes a gift and such gifts are in violation of NCAA rules. If the house was, indeed, a gift, Bush would have been in violation, forcing a forfeit of his Heisman!! His ineligibility would also obligate an overturn of each and every USC game in which he bagged the ball. The school could also face further perturbing penalties, such as being banned from bowl bouts and plethoric player probations. Oh, sweet sexy sizzling scandal, yes!

And then there’s the matter of his jersey. As a USC Trojan, Bush played under the number 5. He requested the number upon signing with the Saints. Do any of my sporty kids out there know the problem with such a request? In the National Football League running backs are required to wear a jersey numbered between 20 and 49. This regulation is not new. It is not unknown to our good friend Reginald. He’s just requesting the NFL rework its policy for him. Cojones or hubris? The league said it was the latter and rejected Bush flat out. This fall you’ll find him festooned in a jersey numbered 25.

Surely I’m finished recounting this young lad’s scandalous ways. I mean, he’s yet to play his first minute of regular season professional football. Not so fast! In one final move of defiance—after being picked by the Saints in the draft, Reggie held out for more cash. Missing a mandatory meeting with his new teammates on July 28th, Bush waited for the offer he had in mind all along. He inked a 6-year deal that includes $26.35 million guaranteed and $51 million total. Incentives can bring the deal up to $62 million. “Jolted Jables’ jumblies, Batman!”

The hype machine has run full out for the length of the summer. Millions of dollars have changed hands. A city waits for the Bush that will lead them to salvation. Reggie’s past performance indicates that he will deliver. But he better stay squeaky scandal-free clean. He’d better be able to deliver the yards that he has in the past. He’d better be able to carry this town on his shoulder-padded shoulders. In this hurricane-ravaged city, he’d better hold on to the ball that the first Bush dropped. La Nouvelle Orléans ai besoin les bons temps, encore. Reggie Bush, are you ready for some football?