Ask Jack!

Happy Happy Hump Day, dear JBB friends! Here’s this week’s crushing question. Have questions of your own you’re just longing to ask? Send your queries to me at jackblacksbody@gmail.com. Fire away!


Dear Jack,
A friend of a friend has a crush on her boss. He's not conventionally attractive but he does have a strange appeal. She could never tell him this and he's a happily married man with a small child, so she knows they could never be together. But these feelings are making her very uncomfortable. Yesterday, when he asked her to go buy some bubble bath for him, it was all she could do not to ask to join the bath. She knows she shouldn't say these things but it's becoming harder and harder. Her friend does these drawings of their boss as part of their work and in these drawings he looks SO HOT. All grizzled and Leo DiCaprio. While she may not feel this way in real life, this friend of a friend is totally in love with her boss as represented in these drawings. Like that Aha video. What can she do, Jack?

xo,
Ohlighn
Chicago, IL


Ohlighn, love!

Let’s get this straight—your friend of a friend (FOF) is in love, not with her boss, but with a cartoon of her boss? That’s weird.

But I’ve heard weirder (our groovy, linen-clad stalkerish friend from a few weeks ago, for instance). I suggest that FOF’s infatuation comes from a deep longing for a committed, loving, deep, lustful, bubble-filled romance with a hot, grizzled, Leo-like, slightly pudgy, perhaps slightly messy, but lovable man. However! This same FOF fears rejection, so she focuses her longing on an unobtainable figure. Her boss is happily married with a child. That’s rather unobtainable. But even more unobtainable is a cartoon of her happily married, potent boss. For what I hope are obvious reasons.

To get over this obsession, let’s make him obtainable. How, you ask? Well, there’s one way. FOF could seduce him, break up his marriage, and emotionally scar his child for the rest of his life so that he seeks therapy and falls in love with his hot therapist and breaks up her marriage and scars her child, thus enacting a virtual cycle of destruction.

I would advise against that route. But she does have another option. Have the friend of a friend’s friend make a cartoon just for FOF. In it, FOF will buy the bubble bath. Then she will seduce her boss in the bathtub. Then, just as the boss leans over all the bubbles to kiss her, he will—heaven forbid!—toot in the bath.

I’ll bet you anything her love will be drowned right then and there amongst the suds.

Best of luck to your FOF. And send us the cartoon!

Little kiss, big hug,
Jables