Horrorscopes

What will the upcoming month (give or take some weeks and days) hold? Because Jack Black's Bombshell was busy taking a star-turn in various freaking awesome plays, JBB asked 1st Degree Burns to get out her amulets and peek into the future for us. Here are the horrors she saw...

Aries-
You will probably grow an extra appendage this month. Let's hope it's a retractable arm because boy, some things are just too far away to reach!

Taurus-
You will be able to fit exactly 17 marshmallows in your mouth. No more, no less. Take my word for it and do not try this at home because did I tell you they were poisonous marshmallows?

Gemini-
You're alright, actually. Hell, I'd do ya.

Cancer-
You'll have an axe to grind when suddenly you find yourself in possession of an axe. And an axe grinder.

Leo-
Your boredom will continue until you go to the Rocky mountains where you will get drunk, wear an offensive t-shirt, and risk personal injury doing something well-beyond your physical capabilites. Idiot.

Virgo-
You're going to lose your sense of humour. Oh wait, you never had one. Nevermind.

Libra-
Libra rhymes with Zebra.....Uh oh. I feel a hard rhyming session coming on... Thanks Libra!

Scorpio-
Scorpio! Scorpio! Wherefore art thou Scorpio? Scratch that- I know where you are. You're at home. Watching porn. With your mother.

Saggitarius-
The planet of Neptune feels left out because he wasn't asked to play 80's Trivia Pursuit with the other planets. So, he invents a new board game for losers with no friends. As a result, you will experience fierce cravings for peanut butter every second Wednesday in the coming weeks.

Capricorn-
I'm not sharing your horrorscope with you until you apologize. You should know what I'm talkin' bout.

Aquarius-
Stop stealing peoples' lawn furniture you assholes. And wipe those smirks off your faces. And....go Edmonton Oilers!

Pisces-
Cheer up, Pisces. Your life isn't as bad as it seems. Of course, I'm excluding those Pisceans enduring circumstances of genocide, slavery, famine, disaster, and poverty. Soooo...really this horrorscope seems only to be applicable to whining well-nourished people in living mostly in wealthy western countries.