The Manners Mistress

Every week, JBB’s very own Miss Manners will advise us on the etiquette that we post-collegiate, pre-professional, twenty-something sillyheads should already know but often forget. She’ll help us untangle the webs we weave, bandage the scrapes we get into, and shave the hairy situations we’d all like to ignore. With no further ado, here’s Miss Manners’ expert advice for the dining elite.

CHECKS & BALANCESBy The Manners Mistress

A friend came to me this morning with a story I’ve heard too many times. A big group goes out to dinner, people order food and drinks and have a great time until... the bill arrives. Everyone looks at it with pursed lips and an expression that says “I’m trying to add odd numbers.” Money is thrown on the table and some unfortunate soul counts the bills and announces that the pot is too small. What to do?

Probably, the more generous souls add more money until the bill is satisfied.

This system leaves much to be desired. Some people end up paying entirely too much. Those who don’t drink end up subsidizing their friends’ martinis and those with small appetites are forced to contribute to others’ three-course feasts. How can this problem be eradicated?

One solution to this dinner conundrum is to police the table and appoint someone the bill czar—“Was that one drink or two, Dave?” “Did you add chicken to the caesar, Marie?” But that approach will ensure that no one leaves happy. Separate checks drive servers crazy and with good reason—they have other tables to deal with.

How, then, can we solve the problem of dividing the bill? This may seem a bit elementary, but I need to make an important point here: If you’re having dinner with someone, you are probably her (or his) friend, i.e. “a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.” Please heed the following lessons so that your friends can trust you to pay your portion of the bill.

Food & Drink, Tax & Tip

1) Your food and drink: If you ate it and drank it, you must pay for it. Round up to the nearest dollar and add a few more.

2) Tax: In major cities, we are forced to pay an almost 10% tax on everything we buy. If you’re reading this, I know you can figure out how to calculate 10%. Simply add that amount to the money you’re putting down for food and drink.

3) Tip: Unless the person who brought you food and drink drooled into it, you need to leave 20%. Twenty percent, people! If you can’t calculate that sum, then go back to step two and multiple the tax by 2.

And there you go—three simple steps towards becoming a better dining companion.
If everyone followed these rules, we would live in a world where friends don’t fall out from the stress of dividing the bill and servers don’t fantasize about spitting into the soup.

We may be pre-professional, but dammit, we’re not infantile.