Ask Jack!

Happy Hump Day, people! Every Wednesday, our very own JB will be spicing up your work week with his new column, “Ask Jack.” He’ll be answering all your questions regarding the dos and don’ts of post-collegiate, pre-professional twenty-something life. Send your burning queries to JB at jackblacksbody@gmail.com. Fire away!

Dear Jack,

You are the only man I can talk to about this. I know you’ll understand. I can cook, I clean, and I’m terribly smart. I mean, I’m a philosophy PhD and I read Hegel in the fifth grade. I have no personal hygiene problems that I know of, and I brush my hair. I dress really well—linen suits and all that jazz—and I’m also incredibly handsome, if I don’t say so myself.

You see, Jack, I’m looking for a lady. But despite all of the aforementioned groovy personal qualities, I’m still dismally single. I’ve tried sending girls roses. I recently bought a brand-new corvette in an attempt to lure a lady to love me. I rented a boom box and stood outside my neighbor’s window playing “When a Man Loves a Woman,” but she called the police. I just don’t understand it. As you can see, I’m a great catch! So what’s the problem? Are all girls crazy?

Sincerely yours,
Chippy Smith
Mystic, CT


Chippy! Dude!

Nice attempt to sneak in the word “groovy.” It might work better next time if you loosen up a bit. And that goes for your love life, too.

If you’re really as groovy as you say you are, you should have no problem landing a lady friend. I mean, look at me! I’m a little funny-looking. Dude, I’ve been known to have a few personal hygiene problems, I can’t cook or clean, I didn’t finish college, and I don’t brush my hair too often. But man, I’ve got me a hot wife! Know why? Because I’m not creepy. That’s right. I’ve never sent roses to strangers, or driven a corvette (very Barbie of you, by the way), or stood outside anyone’s window with a boom box (I’ll leave that stalker-inspired wooing technique to my arch-nemesis). Let’s face it—all that’s just creepy.

So, want to know what this cave man does to land a lady? It’s really not all that tough, Chipster. Girls aren’t crazy, man. And they aren’t that complicated, either. They might say they want a sensitive, intelligent, successful, handsome lawyer or doctor. But that’s not true. All they really want is someone who will make ’em laugh. And someone who doesn’t stink of desperation.

So my advice to you Chippy: don’t stink. Sell your car, desist with the roses, put away the bleach, box up your pots and pans, shower a little less often, and stop brushing your hair. But most of all, be confident in your unkempt, manly self. Just loosen up. Forget Hegel and all your philosophy crap, and talk to the ladies about super cool, totally rocking stuff instead. Ask the name of their favorite Mexican wrestler. Quote Joe Versus the Volcano. Try to guess their favorite Aha b-side. And when talk finally fails you, singing never will. Sing, Chippy. Puff out your chest and proudly sing. I suggest “Let’s Get It On.” Because girls like that and then you will. Good luck dude. I’ll be crossing my fingers and toes for you!

Little kiss, big hug,
Jables