Ask Jack!

Happy Happy Hump Day, dear JBB friends! Here’s this week’s burning question. And boy, is it burning. Have questions you’re just itching to ask? Send your queries to me at jackblacksbody@gmail.com. Fire away!



Hello Mr Black.

My situation. I am an attractive young person with loads of cool friends, a nice job full of co-workers who like me and respect what I do. I am clean but not compulsively so. I have a good opinion of myself, am generally happy with my life, and am satisfied with my body except in one regard. Once and a while when I am in the presence of workplace superiors it would serve me well to impress, that special someone whom I just met but I think really likes me, a gaggle of my friends at a fairly swanky dinner party, the pizza delivery guy, etc., I get an incredibly intense itch in a very unmentionable area. There is no opportunity for me to excuse myself to the lavatory or turn away from those addressing me. I know the conversation I am having will last an undetermined length of time, possibly for quite a while. My question is this. Do I scratch or no?

Thanks for hearing me out, you rock!
Yours truly,
Anonymous Jones
Veaux de Vicomte, Ohio


Anony J Dude!

Ah, to scratch, or not to scratch, that is a man’s most baffling question.

First of all, I don’t know if it’s entirely normal to get “incredibly intense itches” in the nether regions. You might want to get yourself checked out. However! Maybe it’s just some sort of psycho-sematic symptom of your inability to interact confidently with members of the opposite sex, or the same sex, for that matter. (That’s right, Jables has been reading up on the Freud!)

But you didn’t actually ask me to analyze your itch. You just asked if you should scratch it. Well, I say it depends on the situation—so let’s break it down and consider each itch independently of its brethren:

A. Workplace superiors. Hmm. Something tells me that, if faced with itchiness in the workplace, you should restrain yourself. I’ve never had workplace superiors, but I have played common workers on film. Most of my characters were the type of workers who would scratch, which is why I am suggesting that you do not. I’m assuming it’s unprofessional.

B. Special someone you just met. Depends on what sort of lady you’re looking for. If you’re courting classy dames who wear Prada and carry teacup pups in their purses, I advise against the scratch. If you’re looking for a woman who’ll eat greasy pizza while watching the game and burp louder than you do, I’d say it doesn’t really matter if you scratch or not.

C. Gaggle of friends at a swanky place. No. Definitely not. Believe me, because I’ve done it. And it got me some really strange looks on the red carpet. On the other hand, I’m a funny guy. Most of the people who saw me sneak a scratch just thought it was my ape impression and chalked it up to my grubby charm. But it’s not always good to be mistaken for an ape, and there are times when one doesn’t want to seem grubby. Like on the red carpet. Or whatever sort of “swanky place” people visit in Veaux de Vicomte, Ohio.

D. Pizza delivery guy. Whatever, Dude.

Etc. I’m assuming that “etc.” covers a lot of itchy possibilities. Since I can’t possibly address every scratch-worthy situation in this humble reply (that would be one hefty answer, and I’m not sure you’re worthy of that much of my time), I’ll give you a very basic rule to take away with you: When in doubt, wait it out.

That should cover everything. Good luck, Dude.
Little kiss, big hug,
Jables