Stupid Is As Stupid Does

A Final Missive from
The Germanatrix At the World Cup

hoo·li·gan: (h l -g n) n. A tough and aggressive or violent youth.; A thug who regularly goes to football matches and starts fights with opposing supporters; Hooligans can be distinguished from hooligans by the fact that true Hooligans have nothing to do with soccer/football, and rarely get into fights because they're too busy drinking.

Due to rather extreme security measures, the World Cup’s soccer hooligan front was pretty calm this time around—at least in Germany.

Germany’s unexpected tranquility is due to the fact that officials wisely recognized and regulated the true source of hooliganism: British fans. Germany minimized this threat to World Cup peace by banning the travel of known (read: folks with police records) hooligans, and the importing of British policemen to interact with British fans (since apparently Brits don’t respond well to the law enforcement of other countries). The few (read: 50,000 to 100,000+) British fans that made it into Germany were quiet and completely ruly (that’s the opposite of unruly, right?).

In the UK it’s an entirely different story. Due to riots and drunken violence, the BBC recently pulled the plug on its plan to broadcast all of England’s World Cup matches on big-screen televisions in Manchester, London, and Liverpool. “Frustrated fans among the 3,000-strong crowd hurled beer bottles, cans and other missiles as the game drew to a close.” Write Steven Morris and Owen Gibson of The Guardian Unlimited, “Onlookers said glass rained down on to the heads of children and elderly people.”

This happened during the first game. And I can see why, since England, despite having won all of its matches (ok, won two and drawn one, but who’s counting?), isn’t actually playing very well. And let’s not even discuss Sven-Goran Eriksson.

To many fans, soccer is a life-or-death business—a fact confirmed by the range of allusions to World War II that pervade British hooligan rituals. Apparently, at England’s games versus Germany, British fans will often sing “Ten German Bombers,” which details the shooting down of German bombers by the RAF. Tony Parsons, writing in The Daily Mirror, has stated that:

" Less than a lifetime ago the Germans inflicted untold misery on the world. If English football fans choose to deal with that a mere 60 years later by holding their arms out and pretending to be Lancaster bombers, I would suggest that the Germans are getting off quite lightly. "

I must point out that Mr. Parsons was not even alive when the Germans were going around inflicting their “untold misery.” "> I hate to break it to you, Mr. Parsons, but subsequent generations just don’t get to hold anything over the heads of folks who weren’t even sperm during the aforementioned events. As for “a mere” 60 years later—you know what happened “a mere 60 years” ago? Well, for one, the empire upon which the sun supposedly never set was only starting to crumble. So speaking of “untold misery,” how would the English like it if every black person in the stadium were to dress up like Shaka Zulu and act like they were chopping off British heads every time an African nation played a match against Beckham and his cronies? Sound tacky?

If the Germans wreaked such untold misery on the British during WWII (obligatory disclaimer: of course, they totally did), then it’s pretty bad form to make light of that during a soccer game. As if one had anything to do with the other. Are the English really getting back at the Germans for razing London to the ground (a mere 60 years ago, of course) and killing countless women and children by…singing a song and waving their arms about in the air? I think not.

I should probably admit here that I don't know much about soccer-related hooliganism. I haven't had any personal experiences involving hooligans, or acting like one myself (at least, not that I can remember, and certainly not in relation to soccer). I was as excited as the next person when the Red Sox won the Series, but I doubt I would have reacted violently if it hadn’t happened. That, you may say, is because Red Sox fans are used to losing, but those are semantics, say I. The average person wouldn’t have the energy to devote a significantly violent reaction to anything related to sports. There would be depression, and a copious amount of drinking where, certainly, anything could happen, but on the whole, people don’t kill other people when their team doesn’t make it out of the semi-finals.

It should be entirely unnecessary at this point to declare that hooligans are totally lame. Hooliganism bespeaks not just an attachment to a game or a team, but an unhealthy level of attachment that, in other cases, might be manifested as stalking. It’s just a game, folks. And that’s the key, isn’t it? Hooliganism, like it says in the definition, has absolutely nothing to do with soccer. It’s associated with soccer because some people need an excuse to be violent and soccer is as good a reason as any to bash someone’s head in.

As we smart people know, hooliganism is simply stupid people acting in a stupid manner and if you took away the soccer ball, hooligans would just find some other outlet for their aggressive tendencies. They’ll act stupid with or without the excuse of professional sports. So, hooligans, carry on if you must, but don’t expect any sympathy from us when you’re arrested for skirmishing or your eye gets poked out during a rousing rendition of “Ten German Bombers.” We smart people will be shaking our big-brained hipster heads from the sidelines.