Eating Jesus

Osutein-Sensei & the Body of Christ
We here at Jack Black's Body are admittedly a bit too enamored with Jables' corporeal visage.

But let's be fair— our little obsession is nothing compared to the worldwide fixation with the body of that other righteous revolutionary. The one whose first name starts with "J" and whose last name starts with a letter between "A" and "D." That’s right, I’m talking about Jesus.

For those of you not in the know, Jesus was a Palestinian Jew who was born, coincidentally enough, exactly 2,007 years ago. Jesus’ mother was a virgin and his father was a carpenter from the sticks. He was born in a barn. When he was about thirty years old, Jesus quit his dad's furniture business and started stickin' it to the Man 24/7. In Jesus’ time, the Pharisees were “the Man.” They were the Pat Robertsons of their day, only with beards and shiny robes.

Jesus nearly incited a revolution when he went around saying stuff like "God loves everyone," "give to charity," and "please don't throw rocks at hookers." This did not sit well with the Man, so the Pharisees turned him over to the Romans (those dudes from Gladiator) who, because they apparently loved ironic deaths, nailed the former carpenter to a couple of two-by-fours.

It’s been a while since the Pharisees ruled the mount. These days, Jesus is pretty popular. The world's two billion Christians worship him as the Son of God, while another billion Muslims venerate him as one of the most important Prophets. Everyone else regards him as a holy man or a visionary moral philosopher.

Really—except for angsty white high school students reading Beyond Good and Evil for the second time—pretty much the only thing everyone around the world can agree on is that yeah, that Jesus guy was pretty rockin'.

Despite Jesus’ obvious power to bring on the rock, he remains controversial. Or rather, his remains remain controversial. One of the biggest splits between Muslims and Christians isn't Jesus’ moral teachings—they all agree on that. It's whether or not he died on the cross. Christians say yes, he died for our sins. Muslims say no, he ascended into heaven and an imposter died on the cross.

The conflict is even more extreme between the factions of Christianity. Major wars have been fought over what percentage of Jesus was divine and what percentage was human. For more than a thousand years, Europe and the Middle East were torn asunder by armies running back and forth, killing each other over theological gimmicks.

The fact that Jesus was pretty firmly against killing people seemed lost on those shedding blood in his name.

No one cared about Jesus’ ideas. It was his Body they cared about—what it was made of, what it did, where to find part of it. Religious folk from cathedrals all over Europe hunted for relics to attract pilgrims and sell postcards. One cathedral in Italy even claimed to have found the foreskin of Jesus. Ew.

Of course, even today the strange obsession with Jesus’ Body continues. Christians are so into it that they’ve made a ritual out of it. They eat bread that symbolizes his body and drink wine that represents his blood.

Catholics and Protestants have spent the better part of five hundred years arguing about whether the bread is just Jesus’ Symbolic Body (Protestants) or Jesus’ Transubstantiated Body (Catholics). Either way, what's not to love about a religion that makes cannibalism and vampirism central to its practice?

That's not the only controversy surrounding Jesus’ Body, of course. The DaVinci Code and the upcoming James Cameron documentary about the alleged discovery of the Christ Family Tomb in Jerusalem have sparked debate over whether or not Jesus got hitched and pumped out a couple of holy ankle biters.

Let's hope not.

While Jesus would doubtless be the perfect father, I imagine being his kid would kinda suck. Everyone would expect you to be perfect and Christmas would just be your dad's birthday, among other traumas ("Pack your bags, kids, we're going to Grandpa's house." "NOOO!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!")

Outside of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic World, this controversy seems a little silly. A number of my Japanese friends saw The DaVinci Code. (Reason: the Japanese love two things above all else: mullets and Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks with a mullet? Nirvana.) After the movie, they all said to me, "It was interesting, but I'm confused. Why does it matter if Jesus had a kid or not?"

I tried to explain the historical and theological reasons, the Christian distrust of sex and Jesus’ supposed divine perfection... but ultimately I agree with them.

Why did it matter what Jesus did with his Body? Weren't Jesus’ teachings the big draw? Y'know, love God, love your neighbor, turn the other cheek, don't judge, wash your feet.

I feel like we're missing the point. Remember, Jesus wanted us to stop throwing rocks at hookers, not throwing rocks at each other over whether or not Jesus married a hooker.