On Being a Bombshell*

By JBB’s Very Own Bombshell Leslie

*bomb·shell
1 : BOMB
2 : one that is stunning, amazing, or devastating

The Bombshell gets away with things many women cannot.
You name it—fashion faux pas, not having any money, forgetting people’s names, frequently calling in sick to work, public inappropriateness, and streaks of profanity. The Bombshell is forgiven many foibles. There are several reasons for this.

First, the Bombshell is unapologetic. She knows it is part of her appeal that you just never know what to expect from her. Brigitte Bardot has a llama and two goats living in her house (at last count), and Elizabeth Taylor once accidentally flushed down a hotel toilet the multi-million dollar diamond ring given to her by Richard Burton. Any one who knows a Bombshell is aware of her chronic randomness. So when she does something like sets her cheese sandwich down on the jewelry counter at Tiffany’s, it’s simply par for the polka-dotted course.

Second, a Bombshell forgives many eccentricities in return. A Bombshell will gloss over any awkward situation in an effort to keep the mood at its scintillating best. If you completely wipe out in the middle of a street, a Bombshell will tell you how graceful your recovery was.

Finally, the Bombshell looks seriously cute doing amazingly stupid things. Don’t ask why, it’s just part of her art.

The Bombshell is a female’s female.
While men may adore her, the Bombshell is definitely a girls’ girl. She revels in all things female—romance novels, glittery body powder, Lifetime Television for Women. If it’s fuchsia, feathery, and nauseatingly girly, the Bombshell has three of them. The Bombshell believes that being sent into this world as a female is a miracle and a blessing of the highest degree, and endeavors to make an art of her femininity. Which is why she wears high heels while vacuuming.

The Bombshell is superstitious.
The Bombshell not only believes in the great beyond, she believes. What ever spiritual medium she chooses, she has a profound reverence for the otherworldly. She may run the rosary before boarding a plane or making plans for auditions, dates, and dinner parties according to her astrological guide. She hedges her bets. The Bombshell knows there is something divine at work in this world. There has to be. How else can you explain Chanel No. 5?

The Bombshell is intellectual.
It’s tempting to think that the Bombshell spends her weekends at the beach or under a hair dryer. This is simply not so. A true Bombshell is most likely to be found at a museum or a theatre, or perhaps sitting in the corner of her local bookstore with a pile of books. Her passionate love affair with life manifests itself in her endless self-education. Also, she knows that sexy starts with the mind. Your piled platinum hairdo will only get you so far with the fellas if there’s nothing going on underneath it. Marilyn knew that. That’s why she read Ulysses.

The Bombshell has done her homework.
The Bombshell knows that in order to be the best Bombshell she can be, she must study and learn from those who have gone before her. It is a surprising and consistently true fact that, since intensive self-education often begins at an early age, most Bombshells were complete nerds in their teenage years. During these years, the Bombshell would have read biographies of everyone from queens to courtesans, geishas to actresses and muses. Cleopatra won the heart of the most powerful man of her era at the age of 19. A Bombshell would want to know how. For centuries, the courtesans of Venice were the only women allowed access to the university libraries. A Bombshell would want to know why. The Bombshell studies the great ones, men and women, alive and dead. She always strives to learn from examples of excellence.

The Bombshell has a voracious appetite.
Food, drink, love, literature—when it comes to the best things in life, a Bombshell just can’t get enough. Moderation is not a word you will find in the Bombshell lexicon. Tragically, many Bombshells perish at a relatively young age—Jean, Marilyn, Jane, Evita. Because of this, the Bombshell psyche is imbued with a deep sense of the brevity of life and the inestimable value of each and every day, which should be lived to the fullest. The drawback to this noble sentiment is that it often leads to overindulgence in chocolate and alcohol, and the occasional ill-advised marriage.

The Bombshell cannot cook.
I don’t know why this is.
When Marilyn Monroe hosted her first dinner party, guests were amazed to see her pull out a hair dryer and blast the lasagna noodles. I have heard that European Bombshells, mainly around the Mediterranean, can cook quite well. But your standard-issue American Bombshell makes macaroni and cheese with a fire extinguisher and a prayer.

The Bombshell comes in many packages.
A low-cut dress does not a Bombshell make. The Bombshell comes in many shapes, sizes, shades, and vintages. She is not always immediately identifiable by outward trappings, such as three different articles of animal print. You will know when you are face to face with a Bombshell, however, because the world will suddenly seem that much sexier. The Bombshell has a devestating aura.

And finally, the most important Bombshell quality…Joi de Vivre.
The essential quality of Bombshellism is joi de vivre; the Bombshell is a Bombshell because she full of love and she is always in love. She loves her man, her fellow man, and her menagerie of pets. She loves babies. She loves you. Most of all, she loves life. This effusiveness and eagerness is much like champagne overflowing a glass. The Bombshell overflows in all things, not just her dress.

Darling, Are You A Bombshell?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you most definitely are.
• Your lingerie matches your curtains.
• You refer to your bedroom as “The Boudoir.”
• Your refrigerator contains no actual food, but is well stocked with nail polish, eye masks, cold cream and a forest of perfume bottles.
• Your mother was a Bombshell.
• No one is actually certain what you do for a living, but they think it involves, or is fronted by, a salon.
• You know all the words to Eartha Kitt’s “Let’s Misbehave.”
• You can shout down a construction worker and keep your sundress clean.

Still not a Bombshell? Fake it ’till you make it!
• Download Ethel Merman’s “I Enjoy Being a Girl” and skip around your house.
• Replace your daily water consumption with Pink Champagne. It’s guaranteed to bring out the kitten in you.
• Fall in love.
• Take a Burlesque dance class. I DARE you not to feel sexy after that one.
• Do your research. The Bombshells’ Guide to Style by Lauren Stover is a glorious little volume that covers everything Bombshell from the wardrobe and coiffure to literature and musical selection. There’s even a Bombshell Zodiac and a chapter on how a Bombshell entertains a man. Behave.

Go forth and be fabulous, little Bombshells.
Smooches,
Bombsy