Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

The Berninator on Why College Ain’t that Great
Question:
How many times recently have I heard this oh so pitiful lament from the lips of today’s Lost Generation (a.k.a. the post-collegiate pre-professional masses o’ humanity): “Waaaa! I miss college!”

Answer:
Wait… let me get my abacus out. I haven’t done long multiplication in three years.

I know college was grand, the best years of your life, a four-year-long orgy of sex, drugs, and whiny emo rock, but come on! You’re recalling your past like a family vacation: remembering the joy, the fun, the seasons in the sun... and somehow managing to block how Mom got a migraine, Dad yelled at everyone to shut up, and Junior spilled lemonade all over the front of your white shorts (yes, white shorts, it was the 80’s. You blocked that too, huh?).

Well, as a twenty-something currently ensnared by college’s coddling clutches, I am here to remind you of all the things that made you call Mommy every day just to hear her voice. Here they are: the top ten parts of college life that make your post-collegiate pre-professional limbo seem like paradise city.

10. Kids who say that they “never watch TV.”
Although not the most annoying part of college, this kid ranks pretty high on my list of irritating creatures. Granted, we don’t all have hours and hours to park in front of “Oprah” every morning, but this brand of culture snob claims that never in his life has he seen an episode of say, “Gilmore Girls.” Let me tell you something about this snarky pain in the you-know-what: He’s LYING! With the exception of Amish people, everyone watches TV. Undoubtedly, this liar has seen more episodes of “Elimidate” than he cares to admit. Therefore, out of his overwhelming shame bursts forth the urge to lie. Why does he lie? To belittle you. Be happy that the people you work with kick back in front of the tube like it’s their job. Some of them may be as dumb as the actual contestants on “Elimidate,” but at least they’re not cowardly liars.

9. Cell Phones.
I’m a hypocrite. I love my cell phone. It’s something to study while standing awkwardly in the elevator, you can take pictures of your friends, and with one flip of a button you can look popular (even if you are only calling Dial-a-Weather). BUT when people forsake real human communication to talk to their childhood friends in Maine for the few seconds it takes to get from Class A to Class B, I kind of feel like crying. No longer do we see clusters of students, arms linked, chattering away about clambakes and Frisbee (as in college brochures the world over). Now all that remains are hunched and shifty-eyed shells clutching their little cellular “friends” to their half-deaf ears.

8. The Professor’s Pet.
This kid always has his hand raised. He comes into the room with it raised.
He sits down with it raised. It remains raised, the elbow cradled in the other hand to beat fatigue while the professor speaks. Then, when the professor finally decides that this kid will not, in fact, go away, and he is called on, he comes out with a gem like, “Well, when I was reading MARX yesterday, after reading JOYCE’S collected works, I decided that Communism was probably a true elucidation of the metaphysical entities that people are carbon-based juxtaposition of society and consumer-driven paradigms.” Yes. They say something that, albeit peppered with big words and big names, makes NO sense. Be aware: every time one these pompous parasites opens his mouth, someone throws a ferret in a fire pit, a’ la “Beast Master” (Which you have seen. Don’t lie. You saw it on Spike TV last week with the rest of us.) These people never leave the collegiate realm; they just collect degree after degree, saving the rest of the world from their inane babbling.

7. Staying up unnecessarily late.
You have an 8 a.m. class you have to be awake for.... but everyone else is up and you’ll look like a loser if you go to bed early (which is, in college world, any time up until 1 a.m.). So... you stay up. You don’t really do anything. You move stuff around in your room, you talk to someone on IM, you watch an episode of “Arrested Development” on DVD, or you stare at Facebook for awhile. Then you fall triumphantly into bed around 1:15 a.m., only to be dragged from your deep slumber barely six hours later. College kids are stupid. Sleep is goo…… Sorry, just dozed off for a minute there.

6. Parties.
You always think you’ll like them. You look forward to them. Then you stand awkwardly in a room crammed with slightly smelly, not particularly attractive people all attempting to rub against each other whilst clutching their huge red cups of cheap beer. Inevitably, someone will spill said cheap beer on you. You will be pushed into someone with whom you do not wish to make contact, and you will see some girl’s thong tha-thong thong as she gyrates in a drunken (and embarrassing) manner in her tiny denim skirt and Uggs. Be thankful that you are now legal, all of your friends are legal, and ding-dong! the clandestine apartment party is dead.

5. Uggs.
Ok... why? WHY do people still insist on killing sheep and wrapping them around their feet? If you’re gonna wear slippers, at least wear ones with bunny ears and please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT tuck your ratty sweatpants into your sheep-carcass shoes. If you insist on looking like a refugee, do so in the privacy of your own home. Uggs, while they are the dress code on college campuses, are far less prevalent in the “real world.”

4. Bad emo music.
For some reason we all start listening to it, applying it to our lives, and subsequently crying.

3. Freshmen.
Do I even need to elaborate? They’re small, they’re overeager, they scavenge for food in the garbage... Wait, those are squirrels. You get what I mean.

2. Frats and Sororities.
Alphas and Thetas and Betas and Deltas and Zetas. Why dress it up with fancy Greek words? You bought your friends, you sing stupid “secret” songs, and if you’re a girl you MUST wear pointy shoes. Need I even mention hazing? No thanks, I’d rather make my friends the old-fashioned way: by offering to do their homework.

Drum-roll please... Here’s the number one worst thing about college.

1. It’s a freaking small world after all.
College campuses, even if they boast a 2,000 person surplus, are tiny. So, you constantly run into people you’d rather not see: that friend from freshman year who you decided you didn’t like, that guy you turned down once, that guy who turned you down, someone you made out with in a drunken haze, a professor who flunked you, an ex, the list goes on. One day you’ll be walking to class and minding your own business, and you’ll see (insert undesirable person here) strolling towards you. Here comes the moment of truth: do you…
A. Say “Hi” and keep walking.
B. Stop and catch up with (insert undesirable person here) because your martyr complex is acting up.
C. Cough and, in that brief moment, pretend you don’t see said person.
D. Look at said person and don’t say “Hi.”
E. Start to say “Hi” and realize said person is purposely ignoring you, so go home, listen to emo music and cry whilst mulling over what you could have done to hurt said person.
At least in the real world people come and go. In college there’s no escape.

I hope I have alleviated some of the depression you all must feel when looking back at your collegiate glory days. Any time you feel the icy grip of reminiscence taking hold of your little hearts, I advise you to drop the Elliot Smith CD, step away from the Proust, and sit down in front of your dear friend the television. Because, damn it all, now you can.