Glorious & Ghetto Happenings

An Exploration of Human-Lunar Phenomena
by Bombshell Leslie

It’s been a hard week, people. I’ve been dropping things, stumbling down the street, and generally questioning the direction of my life. It’s enough to make me want to sit in my bath tub and cry like a little girl.

Yet, I am relatively comfortable with this madness because, in about a week or two, my luck is going to change. That homeless guy on the 22 Clark St. bus is going to stop playing with my hair. My father is suddenly going to realize the profound wisdom of my stance on capitol punishment. I’m going to find my godforsaken can opener. Things are going to get easier. Why? Because the now-waning moon is going to be waxing soon, gathering strength rather than losing it, and infusing me with energy and inspiration rather than sucking my will to live.

I am a firm believer in the moon’s ability to affect life on this planet in much the same way that it affects the oceans’ tides. My less than concrete understanding of this phenomenon does not detract from the very real influence I recognize in the ebb and flow of my own life and its alternately glorious and ghetto happenings. Invariably, when I make this remark to my friends, they raise indulgent eyebrows and nod sympathetically. Luckily, I move in an open-minded and accepting social circle.

More often than not, this encouragement on the part of my audience leads me into one of my favorite tirades: What’s up with the scientific community’s inability to provide good solid evidence for me to hang my hat on? A little research on my part has revealed that earnest studies of the moon and human behavior began right around the time The Simpsons first aired. Why hasn’t this issue been more extensively studied? As for the few tentative forays that have been made, what has modern science produced in the way of an explanation?

My terribly sophisticated research methodology has uncovered the fact that the contemporary debate over the moon’s effect on human behavior is being almost exclusively fought out between the scientific titans England and Australia. Both countries have committed their governmental and academic resources to undertaking a serious investigation of lunar-human phenomena and have, thus far, come up with facts and figures that directly contradict each other. Excellent.

The Bradford Royal Infirmary in Bradford, England reviewed Emergency Room admissions over a two-year period. They noted that the incidence of critical animal-inflicted injuries, such as dog bites and bear maulings, were twice as high on the dates of or immediately leading up to the full moon. Not to be outdone, one Sydney Chapman (who, let us note, is lacking in academic prefixes) at the University of Sydney, Australia, did the same study in Australia and rather stubbornly found the opposite to be true. Not only was there no correlation between the full moon and animal attacks, but the ER admissions reflected an overall decline during the full moon.

Mr. Chapman offers no explanation for why English critters would be so affected by the moon’s phases, while the emotionally balanced Australian fauna are impervious to such neurosis. In turning his scientific experiment into a personal attack on Britain’s wildlife, Mr. Chapman betrays a rather imbecile colonial inferiority complex.

*It should be noted from this point forth that the author is prepared to completely reject Mr. Chapman’s findings on the grounds of his being Australian. She will assume the educated reader feels the same. *

Just to show that we, as a people, have forgiven all past occupations and oppressions, the scientific facts and figures produced by the few American researchers in the field seem to align with those of our buddies across the pond. A homicide study in Dade County Florida that spanned fifteen years, found that when plotted against the waxing and waning of the moon, the frequency and volume of murderous activity consistently rose and fell in a concurrent manner. In other words, when the moon was in its first or last quarters, relatively fewer first dates and baby showers ended in tragedy. But when the moon was full, the average Miami resident was significantly more likely to be impaled by a loved one, or have a complete stranger throw a brick at his or her head.

Historically, this is not a new concept. In Victorian England, the “Lunatic Defense,” claiming that an individual could not be held accountable for his or her actions during the full moon, was regularly invoked in criminal court. The massive Stock Market crash of 1929 was blamed on the approaching full moon by many members of the press. And to this day, multi-million dollar lumber-harvesting contracts in Southeast Asia and the rainforests of South America are timed in observance of the moon’s movements.

Some years ago, the Philadelphia police department commissioned the American Institute of Medical Climatology to investigate the correlation between human behavior and lunar activity. Arson, kleptomania, suicide attempts, and reckless driving topped the list. According to those in the know, these are all apparently “Psychotically Oriented Crimes.” In fact, 81% of mental health professionals surveyed in the United States and Europe believe that lunar cycles directly affect human behavior. No Australian psychologists could be reached for comment.

So what does science offer by way of explanation for the link between the moon and human behavior? The leading theory is this: The small gravitational influence exerted by the moon governs the ebb, flow and general tidal activity of Earth’s water bodies. As it would happen, the human body is composed of 80% water. The hypothesis is that the human body experiences a “biological tide” not unlike those observed in nature. According to the Journal of the Florida Medical Association, “82% of post-operative bleeding crises occurred nearer the full moon,” suggesting that the moon’s pull affects blood-flow as well. And as it turns out, those South American tree-ring lords are quite wise in timing the harvest with the moon—the full moon causes sap to rise in the trees, attracting all manner of nasty insects.

Dr. Robert Doyle of King’s College, London, proposes that while there is a marked change in human behavior during full moon phases, it may be attributed to evolutionary conditioning rather than a perpetual relationship. “There is certainly reason to believe that people’s very personalities do change,” he says, “but not because of any astronomical force. In the days before artificial lighting, the full moon created optimal lighting conditions for feeling carefree and mischievous.”

Try as they might, scientists cannot find proof-positive that a link exists. Even more discouraging is that those who do undertake to establish a link are coming up with contradicting evidence. “The studies are not consistent,” says Dr. Kelly of the University of Saskatchewan, “For every positive study, there is a negative study.”

Well, I say try harder.

Dr. Aussie can tell me until he’s blue in the face that the moon’s movements don’t affect my psychological well-being or the major events in my life. But let it be known that every day, I bust out my Astrological guide to see what the moon is up to, and I act accordingly. In February, it warned me that the full moon of that particular month was extremely strong (being very near the Earth) and would bring with it some serious happenings. That week I got an obscenely large tax return and met the man of my dreams. So there.

Another theoretical gem offered up by the University of Sydney chalks the whole thing up to selective memory, or what psychology dubs “confirmation bias.” This implies that because some beliefs are so essential to us, or so thrilling to cling to, we will seek out and mentally highlight information that confirms our individual and collective theories, while ignoring evidence that contradicts or undermines them.

I heartily reject this notion as well. This is a phenomenon that has been puzzling mankind for thousands of years, not some sort of disorganized mass hysteria. As for myself, perhaps there may have been an instance in my life when the moon failed to exert its almighty influence on my mood and inclination towards psychotically oriented crimes, but I certainly cannot recall it.