Horrorscopes

What will the upcoming month (give or take some weeks and days) hold? JBB asked 1st Degree Burns to get out her amulets and peek into the future for us. Here are the horrors she saw...

Aries-
These next few months are a great opportunity for you to sit back, relax, take a deep breath, and closely examine your options. Because surely you have some, and if you don't, what ever the hell is wrong with you?

Taurus-
During April in May you'll be wandering around in bewilderment, echoing Nancy Kerrigan's immortal question: Why me? Perhaps a more appropriate question is: Why NOT you?

Gemini- You know what happens when you run up to someone and kick them in the behind? Someone gets very angry with you. You will find this out the hard way.

Cancer-
Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!
You'll get smashed on coke 'n rum!
An drunken freak you will become,
A paper baggin' booze-hound bum,
A bottom-of-shoe piece o' bubble gum,
Cardboard boxin' in a ghetto slum
Ignored by all, including your mum
Then you'll die, so sorry, chum!

Leo-
Venus goes feckin' nuts as it orbits the sun and completes a triple axel double toe combination followed by a camel spin and a series of NINE Russian Split jumps in a row. Leos will emulate this behavior. While the Leo will be penalized on technical merit, rest assured, they will receive top marks for artistic impression.

Virgo-
You'll go on this feminist kick spouting off repeatedly about how a "woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Then I'll throw a brick at your head.

Libra- Wow, Libra. You'll be struttin' around streets paved of gold and forests of money-trees dripping with cash bills of large denominations. Then I'll throw a brick at your head.

Scorpio- Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Likely not, because throughout the coming months you'll resemble a springtime shit-storm.

Sagittarius- Mars is suddenly surrounded by a massive asteroid belt making it difficult for Martian spaceships to penetrate the atmosphere for landings. In a gesture of goodwill, Saturn will open it's skies and landing strips to all stranded Martian aircraft. One of the spin-off effects will be that Saturn's economy will experience a sudden boom due to the influx of Martian capital. Saturnites will begin to cross-breed with the Martians resulting in a new planetary species called Marturns. Growing up as an ethnic minority, the Marturns will endure years of discrimation by the time they reach adulthood. After centuries of lobbying the Saturnic Parliament for the right to vote, the disenfranchised Marturns are rejected. They will then take to arms, and not only attack their own planet, but neighboring planets including middle earth, top earth, bottom earth and earth worms. All living species in the solar system will face near extinction. Be prepared, Sagittarius, to gain 13 pounds.

Capricorn-
After stepping back to look at the bigger picture, you'll realize that religion really is the opium of the people. Crazy! All this time you thought it was the other way around.

Aquarius-
This is NOT the dawning of the "Age of Aquarius." Get a haircut and a real job like the rest of us, you lazy sloth-like barnacles on the belly of society.

Pisces-
In April and May you'll find yourself in a unique situation having to choose between the devil, the deep blue sea, a rock, AND a hard place. Let me know how it goes. May the Force be with you!